Looking at my career prospects, I’ve noticed that being able to use a computer is an overblown skill and ultimately leads to hacking by unverifiable and anonymous sources that only Julian Assange can obliquely confirm.

Any employment opportunity that would insist on having me use email would meet with resistance. As we all know, a handwritten note delivered by a courier, of unimpeachable character, is far more safe and efficient than using email. I have always suspected the Chinese or North Koreans were attempting to hack my email and not shadowy Slavic types.

Perhaps some prospective employers would be interested in my familiarity with social media, and I would admit that I only visit internet news sites that originate in Macedonia. Who better to have their fingers on the pulse of America but Macedonian bloggers. Take that Matt Drudge.

If an interviewer were to ask about my management style, I would emphasize that I place no faith in metrics, data, big data or any quantitative method that might use an abacus or calculating device made popular by Texas Instruments in the 1970s. I’ve always had huge success by making decisions with my gut.

Abacus

Do I play well with others? I’ve been known to bring together both white men and white women better than farmersonly.com. Love the white people. If I need to grab a pussy, I’ll do that to get everyone’s attention and make sure that protesting pussy is escorted out of the building. That’s how you manage and motivate people.

Why do I want this job? I want to make this company great again. I want to make sure that every non-union employee is aware that I am the Original G  – the Don Corleone – of the business world.

With these wide-ranging skills and my forward way of thinking, I am the man for the job.

 

Play the song: Man Up by Nikki Lane