“Only Dodgers fans go to heaven.” – Tommy Lasorda 

Former Los Angeles Dodgers skipper, Tommy Lasorda, believes in Frank Sinatra, Fernandomania and that God will only allow Dodgers fans to walk through St. Peter’s Pearly Gates; but a rail thin, hirsute 26-year-old fire-balling Met phenom, Jacob deGrom, is aiming to tear down the Temple of Baseball that Walter O’Malley built in the City of Angels and demonstrate to all that Jesus hates Chase Utley and that Chavez Ravine idolaters believe in a band of false prophets.

Jacob deGrom

Tonight’s win or go home Game 5 of the NLDS between the New York Mets and the Los Angeles Dodgers is where East meets West. This is where one team will earn the right to play the young and fearless Chicago Cubs, who have made Cubs fans believe that Steve Bartman can find redemption and that Theo Epstein’s rebuilding process is faster than Donald Trump’s fuzzy plan to Make America Great Again.

The Dodgers will answer deGrom with their own version of a starting pitcher savant: Zack Greinke. The 31-year-old, Greinke, possesses the laconic air of a character plucked from a Richard Linklater film and his shoulder-length blonde locks could be an homage to Linklater’s Dazed & Confused character, Mitch.

Zack “Mitch” Greinke

deGrom is angular and electric. Greinke is slow rollin’ and SoCal.

The Dodgers embody SoCal, and the Mets are now the caretakers of the Dodgers former Holy Land of Brooklyn. With O’Malley orchestrating and leading the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants exodus to the Land of Kardashian and TMZ, the Mets are the custodians of National League hardball in the five boroughs. This game is where the Mets can shed the elusive ghosts of Duke Snider, Roy Campanella and Jackie Robinson and allow Mets fans to celebrate their own Ya Gotta Believe magic and mystique of Mookie Wilson, Tug McGraw and Tom Seaver.

Praise The Lord, Sister!

After I conduct a practice with my youth soccer team, where I play the role of Morris Buttermaker, and have my patience tested by a bunch of eight and nine-year-old boys who make Tanner, Ahmad and Timmy Lupus look like a bunch of well-mannered Bad News Bears Boy Scouts; I will watch this game and attempt to ignore the pounding headache caused by this band of chronically ill-behaved and athletically-challenged youths.

Buttermaker 

It’s been alleged that sports are an opiate for the masses, but only a Mets victory will relieve the pain inflicted by these eight and nine-year old boys. With a Dodgers victory, I will not genuflect to the Big Dodger in the Sky, but I will head to the bar where salvation can be held and quantifiably measured in a magical concoction of amber liquid. The visages of Mary Hart and Larry King will not haunt me, as I peer into a glass, that is full of lost hope and bad baseball karma.

Only Jacob deGrom can offer sweet relief from a Dodgers win and to achieve that he must shut down a Dodgers offense that revolves around Howie Kendrick, Adrian Gonzalez, Justin Turner and Andre Ethier. deGrom needs to stifle these bats to give the Mets a chance at a Game 5 victory.

Tonight has the makings of a hardball masterpiece. Baseball fans need to take notice. Fuck the NFL’s Saints and and Falcons Thursday night offering. Ignore the NHL’s slate of games scheduled before The Great Pumpkin has had an opportunity to unveil itself.

Rusty “Le Grand Orange” Staub

Give proper respect to October baseball.

Pray for the recovery of Rusty Staub.

And allow the Mets, the goddamn woe begotten, downtrodden, Madoff fucked-over Mets a win.

Just one  … goddamn … fucking …  win!