On the 40th anniversary of Richard Nixon’s resignation from the presidency, Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the PGA Championship in Valhalla, KY. August 8th is now a date that millions of Caucasians have borne witness to their core beliefs shattering.

Former New York Yankee warrior and right fielder, Paul O’Neill, gained entrance to the hallowed monument section of Yankee Stadium. To celebrate the career of The Captain, Derek Jeter, will the borough of the Bronx find itself renamed Jeter? I’m from the Jeter.

Paul O’Neill is clearly a member of the all-time Sheridan Hardball squad.

And former U.S. Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill will not receive a plaque at Yankee Stadium nor will he receive a Christmas card from the Dark Lord Dick Cheney.

Cheney’s transplanted heart must be doing the Electric Boogaloo at the prospect of U.S. forces re-entering Iraq. Rumor has it that Cheney is a stunt double for FX’s The Strain.

Oh, and 900 writers have decided to go after Amazon and its CEO Jeff Bezos. Rootin’ for the writers. I’m praying that Amazon doesn’t employ a drone strike versus this militant faction of wordsmiths.