Masshole

AFC Divisional Round Playoffs: Baltimore Ravens vs. New England Patriots

Standard

I’m not going to deceive a soul, I enjoy watching the New England Patriots lose, and then I revel in the collective grief of Patriot Nation like a developmentally-challenged contestant on CBS’s Big Brother who was finger-banged by a Bay State priest back in the day.

Big Brother Contestants 

Living in Massachusetts, a person is overwhelmed by Patriot Nation, which didn’t exist until Bill Parcells was hired by James Busch Orthwein. Yes, the Kraft family and Bill Belichick did not establish the New England Patriots as a relevant NFL franchise, but both parties have built on the foundation created by Bill Parcells. Robert Kraft used the great city of Hartford as an impotent pawn, and Bill Belichick invited into the lexicon of the NFL: Spygate.

That all means nothing today, as the Ravens will look to invade Gillette Stadium and leave Patriot Nation silent and miserable.

This is Ray Lewis/Ray Rice vs. Aaron Hernandez. This is Harbaugh vs. Belichick. And it’s the tradition of Johnny U Baltimore professional football vs. the nouveau riche football culture found in Patriot Nation.

The Ravens will try to run the ball and should find success at that. The Patriots should try to run on a stout Ravens defense, and may not find as much success as passing the rock to Gronk and Edelman. And Ravens receiver Steve Smith and Patriots’ All World cornerback Darrelle Revis should engage in an epic grudge match that should rival anything seen in Dana White’s UFC.

The weather shouldn’t be a factor. It will be in the high teens and there is little to no wind. These are perfect weather conditions for a Ravens – Patriots playoff brawl in January.

The Patriots have been anointed a 7-point favorite by the greasy-haired goombahs of Vegas, and with that line, I’ll take the Ravens.

I do like the Pats to win 24-20, which will cause me great personal pain, and will ignite a Saturday Night Masshole celebration where Bud Light will be viewed as Cristal.

Making A Left in Massachusetts

Standard

Allstate Corp. (ALL) came out with its annual ranking of automobile accident prone cities, and drivers in Boston and Worcester, Massachusetts, topped the list. Living in Massachusetts, there is no denying that the drivers of Eastern and Central Massachusetts are complete morons. Each day there is something new and aberrant on the road that your driver’s ed teacher never instructed you to do.

Worcester topped the list. In the Woo, on average, a driver can expect a collision every 4.3 years. In Boston, safer and saner heads prevail and motorists can expect a collision every 4.4 years. Worcester and Boston usurped perennial front-runner, Washington, D.C., which had garnered the treasured top spot for six straight years.

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is a place that NASCAR driver Tony Stewart could call home. This is the land where the evolutionary concept of nature versus nurture has to be examined. Is the root cause of this regional malady a lack of sufficient and competent driver’s education instructors or is there a recalcitrance to Massachusetts drivers that is beyond the realm of reason?

This is a part of the country where Masshole is invoked proudly. Where else do drivers routinely make left turns cutting off oncoming traffic and then give a pandering hand wave to the car that could have t-boned it? Only in Masshole Nation does this happen.

To provide an example, when a Masshole is pulling out of Dunkin’s after receiving an adipose injection of Coolatta or Iced Coffee, our Bay State motorist will plant her car in the lane of oncoming traffic to make a left.That’s right, the proper way to make a left turn out of a parking lot is to block traffic from the nearest lane and then force your way into the other lane. This is standard practice and nothing that is deemed weird or abnormal. The pandering hand wave is usually performed by a woman – who does not care – that she stopped the forward progress of five cars to make a left.

Want to take a left at a red light? If you’re the first car in line, gun your engine because you are expected to beat the car facing you and looking to go straight. Did your driver’s ed teacher instruct you to yield?  Fuck that bullshit. No Masshole worth his Dunk’s keychain is going to abide by that nonsense. Get a slow start off the line and expect a fusillade of car horns rebuking your familiarity with the rules of the road.

Making that lane change – only pussies signal.

The speed limit reads 65 mph. Either rev it up to 75 mph or get off the road.

Respect the bike lane. What is this China?

Purchasing car insurance in Massachusetts can be an expensive proposition, but living in Worcester is sublime. Only a true Masshole can appreciate the bleak, bone-chilling landscape offered by a winter in Worcester. As long as there is a reliable supply of booze, winter in Worcester is a manageable affair.

Winter will test a soul in Worcester or Boston. And maybe that is the underlying reason for the insanity of Massachusetts drivers; they would rather die in a car wreck than go through another soul-crushing winter.