Penn St.

Quick Hits: Michigan Lands a Michigan Man

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How much does the University of Michigan value a Michigan man to lead a football program that has fallen to the depths of being a bottom feeder in the Big Ten?

Reportedly Jim Harbaugh will receive a six-year, $48 million dollar contract from his alma mater, which would make him the highest paid coach in college football. According to USA Today, Alabama’s Nick Saban is the nation’s highest paid college football coach at $7,160,187. In the NFL, Forbes has New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton atop the money list with an average salary of approximately $8 million dollars per year.

Harbaugh’s deal appears to equal the best paid coach in the NFL, and will surmount any current deal in college football until Alabama quickly gives Nick Saban another raise. If Harbaugh was such a Michigan man, did the school need to provide him with the highest salary in all of college football to prevent him from pursuing another NFL opportunity?

The argument will be made that for Harbaugh to forego his dream of winning a Super Bowl – and achieving football Valhalla – Michigan not only needed but had to go to any heights to hire a coach that could potentially resurrect a Big Ten program that now has more in common with Rutgers than with in-state rival, Michigan State. Eight million dollars will make any decision easier, but has anyone considered that Harbaugh is a Michigan man and shouldn’t need dirty, filthy lucre to return to idyllic Ann Arbor.

Ann Arbor is clearly not an idyllic destination for any football coach. Michigan never embraced Rich Rodriguez as a Michigan man, and just fired a Michigan man, Brady Hoke. This is an athletic department struggling to find an identity, and has struggled to solve the two issues that undermine all athletic departments: the search for an effective athletic director and a winning football coach.

Harbaugh’s yearly salary is pocket change to the Michigan Athletic Department. Harbaugh will become one of – if not the – most powerful figure on the Michigan campus. He is a Michigan man, which is such a crock of self-pretentious bullshit perpetrated by Michigan alums and fans, that it makes me want to watch Michigan State and Ohio State kick the crap out of the Wolverines for decades to come.

It doesn’t matter that Jim Harbaugh is a Michigan man. It’s far more important that Harbaugh is a good football coach, which he has demonstrated at the University of San Diego, Stanford and with the San Francisco 49ers. In essence, $8 million dollars bought Michigan a Michigan man. Money talks and any Michigan man will listen to the sweet siren call of money.

Disclaimer: I strongly dislike Michigan alums and fans with their self-aggrandizing visions of their university and its athletic teams. To tweak these people, I’d like to utter four letters to these Bo Schembechler boobs: NJIT

Quick Hits

Dunkin’ Donuts is the official coffee of Liverpool FC in the Premier League. It’s nice to know that John Henry’s ownership group has allowed Masshole Nation to invade the shores of Great Britain.

It now appears to be socially acceptable to appear in a sex tape but not a porn movie.

I saw Santa Claus kissing Mommy under the Christmas tree. After wrapping all of the gifts and presents, placing them under the tree, and making sure Santa and his reindeer have fresh cookies and milk, no one is kissing anyone.

How many people cook a goose for Christmas? I’ve cooked a goose and it’s not easy to get it right.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie rooting for the New York Rangers. 

The New Jersey Devils have three head coaches (Lou Lamoriello, Scott Stevens and Adam Oates). The New York Rangers are the hottest team in the NHL and own an eight-game winning streak heading into tonight’s tilt versus the Dallas Stars. The Rangers only have one head coach.

In the New Era Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium, Boston College loses to Penn St. because the Eagles have had a peculiar inability to successfully complete extra-point attempts. In OT, the Eagles missed a PAT wide right. High school teams can do this shit right. I thought wide right only applied to Bobby Bowden’s Florida State and former Buffalo Bills kicker, Scott Norwood.

In a silent protest, NYC cops continue to turn their back to NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio. I guess silent protests are alright unless you’re a St. Louis Ram holding his hands above his head to protest the grand jury’s decision regarding Michael Brown.

Have taken a shine to Southern Tier’s 2XMas beer.

I am a devout believer in the Great Pumpkin, but I fear pumpkin beer. It’s like drinking your grandmother’s spice rack.

Sage or thyme on a roasted turkey? Or perhaps both?

I tried to watch a PBS documentary on Richard Pryor and it had a narcoleptic quality to it. How can anything about Richard Pryor put a person to sleep with the exception of Brewster’s Millions?

Johnny & Chevy

Watched National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation the other night, and I disliked this in 1989 and still hate it in 2014. Christmas Vacation is a poor Randy Quaid second cousin to Vacation and European Vacation. In 1989, I never thought that the actor who portrayed Rusty would become one of 2014’s highest paid sitcom stars, which is The Big Bang Theory‘s Johnny Galecki.

Yesterday at Larz Anderson’s Outdoor Skating Rink in Brookline, Massachusetts, the skaters were moving in a counter-clockwise fashion to Led Zeppelin. Back in the day, I used to rock out to organ music at Mennen Arena’s public skate.

Pulled pork does not belong on pizza.

If I referred to a Trader’s Joe employee as Magnum P.I., would anyone get the reference?

We Are Everton

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Saturday morning arrives a little later after visits to local breweries and experiencing some Friday night frivolity. The night started out with a quick visit to Night Shift’s new tap room in Everett, Massachusetts, and ended at the Aeronaut Brewery in Somerville, Massachusetts. Living in the golden age of beer, I can only marvel at how Michelob was once considered the Cadillac of American beers. 

But this post isn’t about the vibrant beer scene located in Chelsea, Everett and Somerville, Massachusetts. I’m going to address that a little farther down the road. 

What I want to write about is the unbridled joy I experienced watching Chelsea defeat Everton, 6-3, in Saturday’s marquee match-up of the English Premiere League. No doubt this match will be named the Barclay’s EPL match of the week and it will be re-broadcast on NBC Sports in between hunting and fishing shows. I’ve never thought of American or British hooligans as outdoorsy types, but perhaps that scene was edited from Green Street Hooligans. 

Adrian!

I had been surfing through the channels in a little bit of a fog, and then I realized that Chelsea at Everton had already kicked off across the Atlantic. Six minutes into the match Chelsea had established a two-goal lead, and then I’m thinking that Penn St. versus Central Florida in Dublin, Ireland, wouldn’t be a bad take. But Everton roared backed with a goal. 

Hmmm… my curiosity was piqued. 

From that point onward, this match was competitive, entertaining, bruising and a tale of David vs. Goliath, Everton has American superhero goalkeeper. Tim Howard, and he would have needed Superman/Shazam abilities to stop Chelsea’s relentless offensive attack. Everton had Seamus Coleman getting in the head of Chelsea’s superstar Brazilian striker turned Spanish national team member, Diego Costa, which finally resulted in a second half confrontation between Howard and Costa. After nearly head-butting the Brazilian douchebag, Howard was rewarded with a yellow card and became an even bigger American superhero. Of course, Costa is no stranger to head butts as he delivered one to Netherlands’ Bruno Martins Indi during Spain’s 5-1 monumental World Cup loss to the Dutch. 

Didn’t Costa understand that on Friday the Brazilian economy was declared to be in a recession, and that it would be foolhardy and catastrophic to alienate Tim Howard and the global economic powerhouse he hails from? Playing for a Russian oligarch at Chelsea, one can only wonder how Costa does not understand the global economy we live in and how not to alienate economic allies. Ukraine may just be a little blip in the aforementioned economic theory. 

Steven Naismith 

Chelsea is deep, talented and financially backed by the Russian rubles of owner Roman Abramovich. Everton is talented but it is the likes of Steven Naismith, a Scottish firebrand midfielder, who represents the essence of Everton. Everton FC has nowhere near the financial resources of a Chelsea, but the likes of Naismith, a Seamus Coleman from Ireland and England’s own Leighton Baines give Everton FC this fan’s approval. 

Losing 6-3, Everton manager Roberto Martinez may want to look at his back line, but this is undoubtedly one of the more entertaining clubs in the EPL. Saying that, I am formally announcing that I will be an Everton supporter for the 2014-15 Barclay’s English Premiere League season. I refuse to commit any farther out than the 2014-15 slate of matches, because I have no desire to replicate the sense of loss I constantly endure being a fan of Major League Baseball’s New York Mets. Life is too short to hoist another emotional boulder up a formidable psychological hill with no help on the horizon.

It’s hard to be a commitmentphobe with kits like that. 

My EPL fandom is on a season-by-season approach, as I bear no physical ties or emotional baggage to Everton FC. If I want to walk away, there will be no question about my moral fiber as a sports fan because I am acknowledging that I am a hired gun. I am a Hessian which all Brits should understand.This is a one-season stand with the potential for a longer commitment if both parties are satisfied. In effect, I am announcing a prenuptial with Everton FC. I just hope not to be Catfished.

Sheeeeee – it. I would imagine that The Wire’s Clay Davis and I have no geographical understanding of where Everton is located in Great Britain. Saturday’s broadcast stated that Everton is located in the North West of England. I imagine bicycling and craft beers must be popular in the North West of England. So, sign me up!   

In fact, after fifteen seconds of meticulous research, Everton is a district of Liverpool in Merseyside. 

I’m sold. 

Yesterday’s match between The Blues (My fandom denotes an element of familiarity with the club, as I am now a supporter for a little less than 24 hours.) and Chelsea was a rollercoaster ride of emotions that featured more plot twists and turns than a season of Clay Davis’s political stratagems and backroom bilking. The second half was a delightful romp until the big money boys from London started to home school my Blues. 

Only twelve days until The Blues next match versus West Bromwich. This supporter needs to see a result where three points are earned.