Tony Stewart

Making A Left in Massachusetts

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Allstate Corp. (ALL) came out with its annual ranking of automobile accident prone cities, and drivers in Boston and Worcester, Massachusetts, topped the list. Living in Massachusetts, there is no denying that the drivers of Eastern and Central Massachusetts are complete morons. Each day there is something new and aberrant on the road that your driver’s ed teacher never instructed you to do.

Worcester topped the list. In the Woo, on average, a driver can expect a collision every 4.3 years. In Boston, safer and saner heads prevail and motorists can expect a collision every 4.4 years. Worcester and Boston usurped perennial front-runner, Washington, D.C., which had garnered the treasured top spot for six straight years.

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is a place that NASCAR driver Tony Stewart could call home. This is the land where the evolutionary concept of nature versus nurture has to be examined. Is the root cause of this regional malady a lack of sufficient and competent driver’s education instructors or is there a recalcitrance to Massachusetts drivers that is beyond the realm of reason?

This is a part of the country where Masshole is invoked proudly. Where else do drivers routinely make left turns cutting off oncoming traffic and then give a pandering hand wave to the car that could have t-boned it? Only in Masshole Nation does this happen.

To provide an example, when a Masshole is pulling out of Dunkin’s after receiving an adipose injection of Coolatta or Iced Coffee, our Bay State motorist will plant her car in the lane of oncoming traffic to make a left.That’s right, the proper way to make a left turn out of a parking lot is to block traffic from the nearest lane and then force your way into the other lane. This is standard practice and nothing that is deemed weird or abnormal. The pandering hand wave is usually performed by a woman – who does not care – that she stopped the forward progress of five cars to make a left.

Want to take a left at a red light? If you’re the first car in line, gun your engine because you are expected to beat the car facing you and looking to go straight. Did your driver’s ed teacher instruct you to yield?  Fuck that bullshit. No Masshole worth his Dunk’s keychain is going to abide by that nonsense. Get a slow start off the line and expect a fusillade of car horns rebuking your familiarity with the rules of the road.

Making that lane change – only pussies signal.

The speed limit reads 65 mph. Either rev it up to 75 mph or get off the road.

Respect the bike lane. What is this China?

Purchasing car insurance in Massachusetts can be an expensive proposition, but living in Worcester is sublime. Only a true Masshole can appreciate the bleak, bone-chilling landscape offered by a winter in Worcester. As long as there is a reliable supply of booze, winter in Worcester is a manageable affair.

Winter will test a soul in Worcester or Boston. And maybe that is the underlying reason for the insanity of Massachusetts drivers; they would rather die in a car wreck than go through another soul-crushing winter.

Blame Tony Stewart (I Don’t Know)

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When I woke up this morning, I had no intention of writing a piece about auto racing and there’s a huge part of me that clearly sees the hypocrisy of even attempting such an exercise. 

I don’t like auto racing. I don’t know crap about open wheel racing, restrictor plate racing or Grand Prix events. I won’t watch NASCAR, Indy, Nationwide or Formula One. For a person who does not discriminate in my love of sports, I would rather watch a marathon of Lifetime Television, about emotionally-troubled bulimic women, than watch ten minutes of auto racing. 

But I find the personalities that make up auto racing completely engrossing. NASCAR is populated with a slew of drivers, crew chiefs and owners who are a rich source material for magazine articles, documentaries and reality television. What I find fascinating about auto racing is the characters that will abandon all thoughts of personal safety, for an adrenalizing rollercoaster ride, and the spoils that come with victory. The lucrative sponsorship deals, the interviews on ESPN, and the deluge of young and attractive women looking to spend an evening with the latest young gun on the track. 

Tony Stewart, 43, is the racer in the black hat. He is an intimidator. That has been the narrative, and that will not change after the events of Saturday night. 

Tony Stewart’s sprint car drove into fellow racer, Kevin Ward, Jr. Ward was 20. He was young, inexperienced and a competitor. Stewart wrecked Ward’s sprint car at a race in Canandaigua (NY) Motorsports Park. Visibly incensed, Ward climbed out of his car and then made his way down through race traffic to challenge Stewart’s oncoming car. In the dark of an upstate New York night, Ward’s life was ended by Stewart’s sprint car traveling approximately 35 mph on a dirt track.

Game over. There is no replay review needed. Can’t call a time out or ask for a do-over. Kevin Ward, Jr.’s life is snuffed out in the blink of an eye. 

Blame Tony Stewart. I don’t know.  

Blame Kevin Ward, Jr. I don’t know. Youth can make us lose sight of what is safe and prudent. The kid was competing, and there was no way he was going to let Mr. NASCAR drill him into a wall and not let Mr. NASCAR hear about it. The kid showed some balls and a lot of fight. As a society, we laud those traits in our sons and daughters, but was this simply the act of reckless youth immune to the inherent dangers that surrounded him on a dark, dirt track?

There are no simple answers. Auto racing is a dangerous game practiced by people with outsized ambitions and an apparent lack of fear. Tony Stewart’s love of racing – at all levels – will come under serious scrutiny. Stewart may decide he has enough of competing in the minors of racing and stay with the big boys of NASCAR. 

Will fans leave Tony Stewart or NASCAR because of Saturday night’s avoidable tragedy? Probably not. Auto racing fans understand that death is part of the gig. When a driver gets strapped in, he or she is quite aware that they are putting their life on the line. Crashes sell. NASCAR knows that. 

I’m more interested in what comes out of this. Will Stewart be vilified and made a pariah? Will the racing community politely refuse to acknowledge the recklessness of Kevin Ward, Jr.’s actions? 

This isn’t a sport for the faint of heart. One lapse of concentration or judgment, and tragedy can’t be so easily averted. Tony Stewart is going to have to wade through a crucible of suffering and introspection that could ruin his life and career; but more importantly, a young man’s life was lost.

Sprint Car Racing