The Labor Day weekend has kicked off with our adorable black cat, Hadley, trying to make a late lunch out of a rabbit she discovered in the backyard. Being distracted by some crap I was reading on the internet, Hadley starts to surveil her prey behind the shelter of some aspiring tomato plants that refuse to ripen their fruit. Further immersing myself in forgettable pablum on the internet, I hear a scuffle and Hadley scratching/clawing at the fence. A few seconds later, Hadley comes triumphantly parading around the corner of the garage with a rabbit dangling from her mouth.

This is an actor not to be confused with Hadley. The look of terror in the rabbit’s eyes is familiar.

In this summer season of killing, Hadley has racked up an impressive kill total; she has exterminated moles, suffocated mice, broke the necks of a few birds, and ended the short lives of two baby bunnies. The baby bunnies were blindfully unaware of the dangers that surrounded them and were easy marks. I attempted to save one of the baby bunnies, but Hadley had inflicted so much damage that the rabbit died shortly after I was able to separate the two.

Today, I was able to save the large rabbit dangling from Hadley’s jaws.

As Hadley parades by the pool with her prey balanced perfectly between her jaws, I make the decision to block her path and aid her victim. When she stops in front of me, I grab Hadley’s fashion-forward red collar and she then relinquishes her jaws of death grip on the rabbit. The rabbit – bewildered and gobsmacked – takes a last look back at me and then vanishes in a flash of white for the backyard fence. Hadley lurches after the rabbit, but I have a firm grip on her collar as she gasps and chokes trying to chase after her prey. Fortunately for the rabbit, I was able to intercept our killer cat from taking her victim into the basement where she likes to play with her special toys. (Please do not compare Hadley to The Silence of the Lambs‘ Buffalo Bill – Hadley does not have a hidden penis. Hadley is a she. Also, Hadley does not eat or skin her victims. )

As a hunter, Hadley has more balls than Donald Trump, Jr. After two summers of prowling the backyard, under supervised recreation similar to an inmate at MCI Cedar Junction, Hadley is a big baller in the backyard who has shown no inclination to wear Big Baller sneakers.

Donald “Rambo” Trump, Jr.

This cat is a beast. This cat is a winner. And this cat was a little miffed at her owner for interrupting her hunting session. Certainly, I am proud of Hadley’s skills but watching her kill a rabbit for non-survival purposes is a little tough to take; because when five o’clock rolls around, she is at her food bowl looking for a handout and not The Revenant’s Hugh Glass looking to devour raw rabbit.

Alright, so that’s my version of Curt Gowdy’s American Sportsman. 

Curt Gowdy

From this sportsman’s persepective, this is a great night to be in front of a high-definition television to watch the Red Sox controversially bunt on the Yankees in the Bronx, root for the United States Men’s National Soccer Team take on the Ticos of Costa Rica in World Cup qualifying action, and then watch a mediocre-at-best Boston College football squad take on Northern Illinos.

Hadley is a winner. She has practiced her craft. She has learned her lessons in the backyard and she is a stone cold killer.

Later tonight, I would like to see Boston College football show some of these same winning attributes, which my three-year-old rescue cat demonstrates, but I have as much belief in that as the chances of beer being sold at a Boston College home football game. (In a heavenly act surpassing the parting of the Red Sea, beer (heavenly beer!) will be sold at Boston College’s Alumni Stadium for the 2017 season. I don’t believe in God, but this does make an atheist pause.)

Expectations are high at The Heights, but tonight’s game will temper those lofty aspirations. Some books have Northern Illinois as a favorite and other books have Boston College as a 3.5 point favorite. Under fifth-year head coach Steve “The Dazzler” Addazzio, Boston College is a perennial disappointment and tonight’s game should not change that prevailing attitude.

I like Northern Illinois to win. Look for a score of 22-17.  And expect to hear bloodthirsty cries of anguish emanating from Boston College fans around the nation.

Cue the music: “I Had A Dream” by the Long Ryders